NEW COLUMN: Hook-Up Fook-Ups
Welcome to Great Moments in Deadspin great moments in drunken hookup failure Hookup Failure, where we showcase four heartwarming true stories of drunken love gone horribly awry. Back in college I was having sex with my then-girlfriend with her riding me on the couch. Just as things were getting good, she bounced up a little too high just before coming back down onto dick, made worse by locanto dating nellore yanking her downwards.
She bounced right off of me and sent a searing pain through my poor wang. She asked me if Deadspin great moments in drunken hookup failure was ok, and I told her I just needed a minute to deal with the searing pain of my cock nearly breaking in half. It was then that I noticed the spot of blood on my leg. I turned to her and said, "Are you bleeding? After a quick call and several scary minutes of her losing around a pint of blood into the bathtub, the paramedics took us to graet emergency room.
We were told that our misstep or bounce rather had ripped a half-inch hole in her vaginal wall which would require stitches, the pain of which would be equivalent to a few minutes of childbirth. In hooku to lighten our spirits about my girlfriend's upcoming vaginal torture, the doctor told us a much weirder sexual emergency that he had witnessed.
A few years back, a woman came into that same emergency room in a panic claiming to have snakes coming out of her vagina. Our doctor immediately turned to one of the residents and told him, "this ddunken yours. He took a look inside her and saw green, snake-like objects, but they weren't moving and were stiff. So he asked the woman if she had inserted any unusual foreign objects into herself in the last year. She said that she often masturbated with food items. Well, it turns out what happened was she had masturbated with an unwashed potato, and that spores from the potato had taken root in her uterus due to the moisture and heat, and had slowly grown inside of her until the roots were visibly poking out of her vagina.
My girlfriend and I had a good laugh. Then came the vagina sutures. I thought they might have been exaggerating when they said she would be experiencing pains equivalent to labor, but not so. When they first inserted the needle I saw her face turn every color of the rainbow in RAPID succession, like a cuttlefish or squid flashing colors. It went from pale, so flush, to sanguine Drew's Note: I do not think this means what he think it meansto jaundiced, back and forth for several seconds.
After a few minutes in which a lb. The lesson of this story is: I have no pithy comment to add to this story and story within a story. I want to hide in deadspin great moments in drunken hookup failure forest for a year. A few years back as a freshman in my second semester of college, I got to know an interesting character that decided to stay in his hometown for college high school 2. We'll call him Ted.
Not surprisingly, he had some connections with the local catholic high school senior girls crowd, to the extent of dating one of them. As the semester wound down, one night I said the hell with it and proceeded to head to a party of said goodie-two-shoes girls drunkeb Ted. ensued along with cards, games, etc. Towards the end of the night I was approached by Ted, his little biblethumper, and her devilish looking friend. As we got to it in a bedroom, not thinking much of it, I went for his little lady In the midst of the boobs and oral pleasure, she literally takes my thing out of her mouth looks Ted in the eyes and says " I love you, Ted" - with my dick in her hand mind you.
At this point all bets are off Ted dresses and storms out due to the awkwardness of the moment. His girl runs after him in a sad apologetic matter. It was never spoken of again and it's safe to say I haven't dabbled in the church scene since. holkup last part deadspin great moments in drunken hookup failure just awful. I need to shower in vinegar after reading that.
How about a failed threesome… FROM A LADY?! I worked in a coffee shop in college, with a mix of townies and post college "young adults. After a few months of working together and frequent flirting, he invites me to come over his house. John was blatantly cheating on his wife and she knew about hoolup. He said she was moving out. Anyway, I drive to his fialure, and we get pretty fucked up. We start hooking up in the living room which was full of moving boxes and go to the bedroom.
My drunk ass thinks I can hide under the covers. I hear John trying to explain "She's a girl from work! They continue to yell at each other, then this fool starts running after me. He says, "Let's go to Dave's hopkup coffee worker house. We drive to Dave's and he wakes up to let us in. The 3 of us go to his room and we tell the story of what happened drunkenly and giggly.
Me and John start to go at it, supertova dating site Dave in the room and, inevitably, the greta thing starts going the way of a threesome which is fine by me. Things are clicking along, until Dave starts reaching for the John. Like grabbing his dick and trying to make out with him. John and I are stunned.
We had no idea Dave was so inclined. John attempts to put me in between the 2 of them, until he and I reach some kind of mutual unspoken decision that things just got weird. The 3 of us just stop, awkwardly, and go to Denny's. John and I finally fuck a week later. Months later, I hear rumors that Dave gave some guy a blowjob in a Motel 6 hot tub. This occurred in Rocky Point, Mexico. I was down there with some friends and staying at the Best Western about a mile away from the strip of bars and clubs.
One night, hoookup at the bars, I end up drinking too many shots of tequila. So Xrunken stumble back to the hotel by myself not a good idea and deadspin great moments in drunken hookup failure to pass out in the room. No dice, I didn't have the room key. Being as smashed as I was there was no way I was going to find the lobby and then talk the clerk into giving me another key. I figured my roommates would be coming back from the bars fairly soon so I would just wait for them patiently.
My Honda Accord was parked right outside our hotel in a dirt parking lot, so drunmen better place to take a power nap then underneath the engine block? To this day I still don't know how I fit under there. Anyway, I wake-up some time later, drag myself out from underneath the car and notice that I'm covered head to toe in dirt mixed with vomit mixed with blood.